November 25, 2012
I FEEL, I THINK, I WONDER...
God? There is a God. Out there. In here. Somewhere. Close. It is Him, the only being or entity that matters or should matter. How do you feel God's presence? Within. Praying. How do you pray? Talk to an empty space.... to God? Feel the divinity. Feel the present moment. That nothing else exists or ever did exist except this one moment. Now. The rest is an illusion. We create our destinies. We create our reality in this one moment. This second, with this thought, this feeling.
Friends? Who are my friends? I am my best friend. Friends come and go, and at the end of the day I only have me. I don't know if that is tough or fortunate. I have nothing left but to respect others and be intricately honest with them. What do you want from me? Human beings, we are so complex. And then I fear. I fear loneliness. Being alone, to be left alone. Then I want to be left alone. It's perplexing. I complain that I am alone, but I am a loner, nonetheless. People get out there, come and go, while I remain in my safe comfortable cocoon. Then comes the void within.
I apologize to you if I've made you feel ignored, or if I've retreated into my own world of escapism. I tend to do that. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. But i LOVE, i FEEL, i cry and laugh and i KNOW what goes on. I observe and analyze more than you know. I understand you and, above all, I am thankful for you, more than you think. This goes out to many people in my world, not a specific one. Because I know I can be resented for that by many who surround me, for my seclusion, but I don't do it purposefully...and I know. And this is not an issue to worry about, I'm just saying.
Maybe I'm just to apprehensive, or maybe not. I'm not perfect, that I know. None of us are. So forgive me for any wrongdoings or misunderstandings. Deep inside i just want to be understood, and to understand you. I know God is the only one who can make me feel blissful and plenty, but I also know that we weren't born to be loners. I want to share, to laugh, to be out there, with you, but sometimes I feel scared. I don't understand my fear too well so don't ask me to deepen too much on the subject. Please don't judge me, maybe that's my issue.
Just know that i love you, that I am grateful for your presence in my life, even if I'm misunderstood sometimes. Know that I know how you feel. I hope you can one day learn to understand the convoluted person I can be sometimes. Aren't we all? That's just part of who I am. I'm also sensitive, sensible, and vulnerable, maybe way much more than you think.
I'm thankful on this Thanksgiving week that has come to an end. I am thankful everyday, year round. But I am shy and somewhat introverted at times, so bare with me. I am thankful for my health, for my talent and my profession, thankful for my family and for the beautiful city I live in, I'm thankful for the food on my plate and the roof over my head, I'm thankful for my deeds, and hope that you forgive my mistakes...I'm also thankful that I met you. Don't leave me or forget me, because you've had an impact on my life, you, who are reading this, believe it or not. You've had an impact, somehow, someway. Remember that.
- Priscila -
